“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Real House Wines.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.