we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.