we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
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*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My first son he is wonderful
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
twitter is a journey
