we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
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It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me trying to “trust the process”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle