we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
You Might Also Like
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Happy thanksgiving
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Sheep
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.