Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Why I divorced her.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.