Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”