We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.