no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
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evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
best first i’ve ever seen
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind