Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

For those that worship cheese..

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

My sex drive has a dui

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

😅😅😅

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.