We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
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i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
You can’t rush stupid.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
