Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

Monday

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

lol

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop