Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever