Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

The absolute effort that went into this omg

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.