We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”