We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”