Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

apparently this year was written by stephen king

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭