We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
You Might Also Like
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.