We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
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[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
A drum solo but on your face.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.