We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
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I feel it
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can