Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*