Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

Anyone really

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.