Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days