Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.