We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
We need to put an American base on the sun
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.