We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
i choose….tongue
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
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nature’s most graceful animal
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.