We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.