We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright