We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
Why soy sad?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
For real 🤣
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress