Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

i hate you platonically

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

😸

My life in a nutshell

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”