We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
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been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
some things should go without saying
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.