Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.