Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!