Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

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The Chosen Phew

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”