We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening