Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

😂

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Gods work.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?