Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off

people do NOT like that joke

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Pot warmers of the day.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.