We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.