We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Well, this certainly took a turn
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”