Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Alexa: *deep breath*

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed