We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
The booster protects against what, now?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?