@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

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@SoVeryBritish

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

@amore_orless

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

@ksujulie

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

@ArfMeasures

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

@mydmac

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

@ch000ch

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

@Freudianscript

Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.

@Dani_Feld

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

@KenJennings

Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.