@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

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@Dani_Feld

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

@Hormonella

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

@Breadery

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

@smuttercup

If anyone needs any morals, I have some I’m not using.

@crocodilethumbs

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

@pleatedjeans

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

@SketchesbyBoze

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

@atstephenbell

bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article