Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges
Me: And how is my eraser?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
5yo: knock knock
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.