We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”