We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
iPhone X
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes