We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Creative Problem Solving
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.