We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Ladies, why y’all do this?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
when someone compliments me
still the best tweet of the year by far
