Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Kermit goes Blue.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”