We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face