We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Siri, fight Alexa.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Always the camel, never the toe.