We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Customize Your Wedding.
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud