We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*exercises sarcastically*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
reviewed some movies recently
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan