Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

I had to Stop for this

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

What the hell happened in there??

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”