@ArfMeasures

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

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@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@turnageb

Whenever you see a very specific sign prohibiting certain actions, it means someone has done that thing before.

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

@buhsbaby_baby

Him: So what are you into?
Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.

@Kryzazy

Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.

@joe_binkley

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

@DonovanConvery

If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.