“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: