Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison