We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.