Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

I just tested negative for patience.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Don’t we all.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.