We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
You Might Also Like
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this