We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
crazy
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does