Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams