We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Confused owl: What?!
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker