We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
You Might Also Like
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
he’ll never suspect a thing
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
