Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

I’m not sorry.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache