Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.