Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yard reviews

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“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

GM✌🏻

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Last-minute gift idea!

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

i just found this in my phone

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Tastes like chicken.

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids