We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
can you read it!!??
maan!
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?