We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
You Might Also Like
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*checks Timeline*…
some things should go without saying
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
How can I say no to this ?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me