We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone