We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Friends that check up on you >
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”