We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind