We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
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Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN