we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
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*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
