Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety