“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Super Hand Dog Face
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.