Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws