“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
#math
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
