“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
![]()
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage