We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.
But, no, instead we have all this!
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe