We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.
But, no, instead we have all this!
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I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*