We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
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I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*