We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
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2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!