We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
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THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
BRAKING NEWS!!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.