We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The Others (2001)
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
The news is so predictable nowadays
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.